A few weeks ago I was sitting in front of my computer with a cup of tea in hand (I mean beer – manly beer – like sports fans are supposed to be drinking, or so I’m hearing) and browsing through my timeline. It was around the time that predictions and analysis of the new season had already started (Bahrain hadn’t) and I thought I’d have a pop at that myself. Unfortunately, the only psychic I could find over here was a gipsy lady with a snow globe and some herbs, so I decided to forget about predictions and just say what I’d personally like to see starting March 13th. I know journalists are supposed to be impartial but that’s OK, I’m not a real journalist so I can say whatever I want. Just like Benson.
So, to keep the amateur journalistic standards high and my analysis comprehensive, I embarked on a mission involving expansive color-coded spreadsheets and extracts from recent technical manuals. In no way was this list conceived while listening to old Big Bang Theory episodes and cleaning cookie crumbs from my bed. The results of this titanic work will be revealed in the following sections:
Things I want to happen:
- I want Red Bull to struggle BUT make a miraculous comeback – because no other team seems to elicit such a level of misplaced hatred quite like them and I don’t think I can handle all the “I told you so”-s and “I always knew”-s coming from people without a basic understanding of argumentative logic or at least a grasp on coherent speech.
- Lewis to stop accessorizing his number of wins to his number of dogs.
- Kevin Magnussen to be to F1 what Justin Timberlake was to Pop Music (without the Britney Spears episode and all the bad hair).
- Felipe to shove his striped bottom in front of Fernando on multiple occasions (and by his I mean his car’s).
- Ross Brawn to fish a midfield team out of the pond.
- Cars to be reasonably reliable after the first few races. I know people think it’ll be more entertaining otherwise but I’m afraid fans will take turns in being pissed off so we’ll have another case of “Pirellitis”. Except this time the hatred will be more confusingly spread – some will blame the teams, some the FIA, some God or bumblebee infestations (cause there’s always someone who doesn’t really know what he’s indignant about).
- Williams to return to past glory and make a lot of Martini giveaways.
- Force India to turn into the new Lotus (without actually changing their name – with Lotus you never know). Their PR people seem to have taken a leaf out of the Lotus Book of Twitter Slang and their drivers are pretty equally matched; although I’m hoping for the blonde one to be more equal than the other.
- Lotus to surprise us and stay the old Lotus, even with all the migrating staff and incident-prone line-up.
- The new ‘force-fed to us’ races to surprise us even more and not be a total publicity stunt (same goes for the old ones). FYI, breakdowns are not entertainment in my book (breakdance on the other hand…)
Things that would be nice to happen but my excitement does not depend on them:
- Sebastian to get the full Alonso-style pampering treatment and get a true sidekick in Daniel. Maybe not of Felipe proportions but it might be nice to feel supported at times.
- Mercedes to be less crap in races (but still have to work for it)*
- *In the same spirit, I want pole position to feature a grey car about 20 to 30% of the time. If it does prove to be an engine/power unit formula, nobody wants the Bugatti getting a head start on a bunch of Ford Fiestas.
- Sauber to partner McDonalds (or any other company with a colourful logo to brighten up that boring kit). Plus, I heard cheeseburgers are decent hangover food, so business will be blooming with all that Martini hanging around.
- Maldonado to have less race incidents than his racing number – at least to stop the endless “front-wing spare parts” jokes. Boy, are those getting old! But also, so Lotus can match their on-track success to their online one.
- Caterham to be allowed to race their AeroSeven concept instead of their obscene car.
- Marussia to mix it up with the midfield occasionally – and if that fails they should make a topless calendar and sell it in high schools.
- More Tooned episodes with Ron Dennis as a Godfather figure, maybe fighting the Totonator (that voice!) and the villain Dr. Helm… I mean Doctor Evil.
- Get Pete the cameraman to present Ted’s Notebook, bless his ginger Gatsby hair.
- Fireworks at ALL races (I don’t mean on track, that’s a universal wish – I want actual fireworks). They speed up the process of forgetting all the boring parts of a race.
- More racetrack cameos – the Americans need to outdo Korea and get a hotdog cart to lead the race in Austin. Maybe India would still be on the calendar if they entered a few tuk tuk-s to make some donuts around Seb last time around.
Things I’d love less than attending a race in North Korea:
- Multi 21 affairs at Ferrari – unless they involve taking turns in the simulator or alternating vodka shots when their parents are in the next room.
- Jenson’s wedding pictures getting more coverage than his performance over the season.
- Lewis being whiny and pessimistic with little to no reason. Not cool, not sexy, not even the dogs can save him.
- Fernando grumpy – because his eyebrows might turn into one giant caterpillar and scare the kids away.
- Pastor or Sergio on a notice board. ANY notice board.
- Sebastian Vettel with a blonde Toupée.
- Sebastian Vettel with a Mohawk.
- Sebastian Vettel with fake eyelashes (just covering all grounds here).
- Seeing the Torro Rosso from a front or profile view.
- My bottom on a chair for 5 straight hours (pre/post coverage included) instead of an equally uncomfortable but much more desirable grandstand seat.
I’m sure there are many other things that will come to mind by the time you read this but I think I have the essentials covered. Now, what serious, odd or funny expectations do you have from 2014? Feel free to share 🙂