We know Wally is difficult to find but Whitmarsh seems to be even harder, so with all the ‘what is he up to these days?’, I found myself wondering what would other F1 personalities do if they weren’t drivers, team principals or engineers. As far as their wallet is concerned, many wouldn’t need to find anything else – they’re not snooker players or cyclists – but I thought I’d exercise my imagination and see where they would fit in best*.
You know what it’s like, you see a generously proportionate face and you just think he reminds you of your old school principal or you notice a deep V neckline and you know he’s either a model or an unemployed student. So what would I think that these guys did if I just saw them on the street? Some guys are missing because of obvious reasons – you just know Lewis would be a rapper and Marcus would, well, go back to a school with daily attendance, but where would the rest fit in? Buckle up, this is a long one!
*This all started with a Twitter conversation with @FiftyBuckss so he gets half the credit for the ideas. And, once again, my amateur Photoshop skills can only take me so far…
Jenson ‘Zen’ Button
Fit, flexible, as pretty as all yoga instructors ever and with a love affair for instag…umm, I mean sport. Probably the gym teacher with the most students.
Don Felipe Corleone
Don’t let his size fool you – get him a fedora and a red pocket rose and you’ve got yourself a gangster. Plus I’m rather hoping he gets some proper revenge this season.
Nico ‘Tall or Grande?’ Hulkenberg
Every Starbucks down the road has a cute barista to divert your attention from the ridiculous price list towards the special limited edition roast beans that will eventually gather dust in your cupboard.
“My name is Christian and I will be your teacher today”
He’s a natural for a teaching job: suavely manipulative, with a strange amount of power and genuinely likable. The sort of modern educator that gives you a stern eye rather than a slap on the wrists. He probably looks at home in a lab coat too.
It had to be something Latin and competitive. I thought about a suave guitar player, but would you really want to hear that voice singing? Dancing it is! ¡Ay, caramba!
Nico ‘Replica’ Rosberg
He’s the poster boy for any luxury item promo campaign. You can take him out of a car, off the spotlight and he’s still a pretty pretty Ken. I’m thinking a fake watches dealer doing the rounds on low-key bars in Southern France.
He’s got the bling, he’s got the attitude and his colourful shirts would look more at home in da club than in the monochrome branded paddock.
Kevin ‘Scoutmaster’ Magnussen
It’s the age thing, but whether it’s racing or selling candy door-to-door, he’d probably be the one who gets the Disneyland tickets (do they actually win that or is it just a movie stereotype?).
The name is Bottas. Valtteri Bottas.
He just looks cool no matter what. He might not have Sean Connery’s charm but the poster looks just right with him on the cover (I chose a photo where he actually smiles and it ended up looking even scarier). Plus he might just be a better Bond than Daniel Craig.
What would a pretty boy of his young age do in a cliché romance novel taking place in Paris? He’d be a poor yet charming bus boy waiting for love/fame to find him while serving a baguette at a local Bistro. With that face he’d still get a model girlfriend though.
Ross ‘Il Divo’ Brawn
Old school but still kicking it with the new beats, like Lewis would say (well, he would in my mind). He has the right build, the appropriate tonality and that imposing allure. Like all dramatic arias, he’ll make a strong comeback soon enough.
And sled number 3 crosses the line…
The Iceman needs a cold environment, a competitive vehicle and something F1 can’t offer him – peace and quiet. He’s a dog lover too, so it does sound like a suitable hobby at least.
Charles ‘Don’t throw that into the puddle, you little delinquent’ Pic
Although I’m assuming the French are much more delicate and don’t scream at their paper boys. Probably because the kids are more respectful too. Either way, he can definitely pull off the look and the bike will come in handy since he’s out of a drive for the year.
With that Colgate smile he’s bound to be a funny man of some sort amongst all the drama. And I bet he can sing!
Eric Matisse Bouiller
Just imagine him on the side of a lake painting hills and ducks with a white scarf attentively poised around his neck. Ooh la la, cet oiseau est magnifique! Pardon my French, it’s been a while since high-school.
Pastor El Profesor
A mix of Breaking Bad and some South American drug cartel story. To be fair the only reason for this career choice is his rather intimidating face and the fact that the cover fit the photo.
I shouldn’t explain this since there’s not one person in the world who hasn’t heard of Friends (if you haven’t, please turn around and step away slowly). Chandler might not smile as much but he always gets people in a good mood. Everyone loves a friendly chap.
Adrian ‘Roger’ Sutil
Maybe it’s the hair, the sharp facial traits or the fact he’s German but I’d trust him at the wheel of an airplane (planes don’t have wheels, do they?). Anyway, he’ll be hoping that the Sauber is decent, cause it might be a bit late to start this career re-qualification.
Sebastian ‘Have you seen the size of that pool?!’ Vettel
I think ‘overexcited holiday rep’ was the exact phrase that Ky used to describe him. I wouldn’t mind having him drive me to the party and providing cocktails by the pool. Unless the sun works wonders on his hair again – then I’ll make him wear a hat 🙂
The Italian Sartorialist
I don’t know how precise he is cause I never hear him on the radio, but Ferrari could do better. Good news for Stefano is that he looks perfectly suited for another beloved Italian craft – tailoring.
Huh, that was kinda’ long. Feel free to disagree and come up with new suggestions! And enjoy their real trackside skills cause you never know how much it lasts. Just ask Martin.