Articles / Formula 1

If Daily Mail did F1 coverage…

I’m not British and I don’t claim to be some editorial expert but if there are two things I learned from watching their sports coverage for a decent number of years is that there’s a lot of mud in Silverstone and that the Daily Mail hates journalism. Before you say I’m not qualified to make that sort of judgment, I should mention we have our own local version of the notorious paper to serve as case study. It’s loosely translated to “Freedom” and quite accurately so since it takes the concept of freedom of the press to new dizzying heights.

You may have noticed a few gossipy F1 headlines lately but for such a comprehensive publication they do seem to often overlook the sporting merits of our beloved F1 paddock. As such, I have decided to lend a helping hand to their sports section and prepare a few custom headlines to increase their already substantial audience with a few extra motorsport enthusiasts. I’m also hoping it will draw the permanently-revolted-about-something audience away from Twitter and onto their comments section.

Because I was (un)lucky enough to miss the severe journalistic training their editors must go through, I just borrowed a few of their catchy titles and made some tiny modifications. Keep in mind that those are actual Daily Mail headlines; I just changed the names, locations and other appropriate nouns. So this is what you should expect from everybody’s favourite F1 tabloid – coming soon to a garbage bin near you!

£500 fine and a race ban for driving in puddle and splashing family of beavers: Even marshal who was soaked is shocked by penalty

Fernando Alonso, 32, was prosecuted after he was seen by a police officer creating a 'large wave' that left the small animals screaming after they got wet

Fernando Alonso, 32, was prosecuted after he was seen by a race steward creating a ‘large wave’ that left the small animals screaming after they got wet

He used to be so handsome! Nico Rosberg looks scruffy and far from cut as he hangs out in his boxers at volleyball event

Deep in thought! The driver looked pensive as he stood outside and rested his feet in the sea, before heading back inside his room

Deep in thought! The driver looked pensive as he stood outside and rested his feet in the sea, before heading back inside his room

Is this bombshell girlfriend trying to poison her famous partner with rival drink?!

A holiday turned sour? The model denies the accusation and refuses to comment

A holiday turned sour? The model denies the accusation and refuses to comment

Obese driver shamed into losing 5kg and dropping ONE dress size to get a job!

Shamed: Daniel was also mortified when he saw photos of himself on holiday and decided it was time to join a slimming club

Shamed: Daniel was also mortified when he saw photos of himself on holiday and decided it was time to join a slimming club

X Factor judge can’t stop twirling hair at podium ceremony. Show a little respect!

Breezy! The singer's hair starts to droop thanks to the breeze but she twirls it back into shape

Breezy! The singer’s hair starts to droop thanks to the breeze but she twirls it back into shape

True confessions:  F1 champ admits he used to dunk his bread into his soda and that he also has ‘a nine-inch penis’

… was that the translation of his radio call we ask?

… was that the translation of his radio call we ask?

What’s in your bag Ma’am? Apart from the chocolate, the plasters and the scotch: Secrets of a WAG’s handbag

Favourite tipple: The girlfriend often carries a flask of vodka in her bag, and is apparently fond of Vladivar

Favourite tipple: The girlfriend often carries a flask of  scotch orvodka in her bag, and is apparently fond of Whyte & Mackay

Don’t be a flip flop: are your feet fit for summer? Time to treat your tootsies

Help for knobbly toes: How to treat your toes ahead of summer

Help for knobbly toes: How to treat your toes ahead of summer

Driver gets shock of his life when he buys two toy bulldogs for $1500 only to be told by a vet that they are actually GIANT RODENTS pumped up with steroids to look like dogs

No longer an urban myth: People in the Argentinian market of La Salada are being sold ferrets given steroids so that they resemble toy dogs

No longer an urban myth: People in the Argentinian market of La Salada are being sold ferrets given steroids so that they resemble toy dogs

This flood of porn should terrify us all!

Has it gone too far? Are champagne showers turning into bikini car washes?

Has it gone too far? Are champagne showers turning into bikini car washes?

That doesn’t taste too good! Former driver makes a face after taking a sip of a healthy juice drink

Drink me: Mark tried his hardest to slurp the healthy juice drink but it didn't seem to be going down too well

Drink me: Mark tried his hardest to slurp the healthy juice drink but it didn’t seem to be going down too well

Food watchdog warning over ice-cream brand containing ‘Brainfreeze-causing fungus’

Risk: Magnum Ice-cream, above, has been labelled 'unsafe' by the Food Standards Agency, which ordered councils to seize and destroy jars of it

Risk: Magnum Ice-cream, above, has been labelled ‘unsafe’ by the Food Standards Agency, which ordered councils to seize and destroy supplies. Foul play is suspected and under investigation.

Would you let your son do THIS to his body? LIZ JONES (who says her own horse inking is ‘tasteful’) fears Jenson Button’s full button tattoo will encourage copycats

While I sport a tasteful tattoo myself, for Jenson to encourage his teenage fans to follow suit, to swathe their own bodies in a dreadful cliché of manhood – which is costly, painful and almost impossible to eradicate should you grow up and, like, need a job – is irresponsible to say the least.

While I sport a tasteful tattoo myself, writes Liz Jones, for Jenson to encourage his fans to follow suit, to swathe their own bodies in a dreadful cliché of manhood – which is costly, painful and almost impossible to eradicate should you grow up and, like, need a job – is irresponsible to say the least.

Perverted cameraman who ‘filmed up the racesuits of 100 drivers’ banned from owning camera

Ban: He is not allowed to own any kind of recording device - including a phone with a camera - after appearing in front of the FIA tribunal today

Ban: He is not allowed to own any kind of recording device – including a phone with a camera – after appearing in front of the FIA tribunal today

Max Chilton has a grooming fail as he wears too much powder and overdoses hair product during press conference in Bahrain

Keeping up: The driver was no doubt keen to hold onto his sex symbol status and used the make-up to help

Keeping up: The driver was no doubt keen to hold onto his sex symbol status and used the make-up to help

What a silly bollard! Driver has to be freed by marshals after getting nose stuck

Confused: The track officials were not delighted with the prank while the stunned crowd looked on

Confused: The track officials were not delighted with the prank while the stunned crowd looked on

Do you suffer from regular headache? Do you own a lot of large sunglasses? Then you might have ‘Raikkonitis’: Doctors blame Kimi Raikkonen for list of ailments

Medical danger: The way the driver wears his glasses on the top of his ears could well be damaging the health of his facial muscles, making smiling a difficult task, warn medics

Medical danger: The way the driver wears his glasses on the top of his ears could well be damaging the health of his facial muscles, making smiling a difficult task, warn medics

Stopped in their tracks: A dramatic moment came as Paul looked both ways as they got ready to cross the track

Downcast: Paul looked like he was tiring of padding around on foot

Downcast: Paul looked like he was tiring of padding around on foot

Is the bum slip the new side boob? Mark Webber, Nico Rosberg and now Daniel Ricciardo are all fans of a cheeky bottom flash

Revealing: Daniel shows how the 'bum slip' is done in a lively racesuit during a podium event

Revealing: Daniel shows how the ‘bum slip’ is done in a lively racesuit during a podium event

Morphing into each other! Mclaren’s Jenson Button and Kevin Magnussen leave paddock wearing nearly identical white shirts

Following the herd: The boys both wear classic style shirts for their walk through the paddock, mimicking each other's style

Following the herd: The boys both wear classic style shirts for their walk through the paddock, mimicking each other’s style

This is it for the first issue of our brief online magazine. I hope you enjoyed the read and if you want more… I don’t plan to do a second one, because I simply doubt I can take another look at their website. And I advise you not to try that at home!

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2 thoughts on “If Daily Mail did F1 coverage…

  1. What happened to the “bait picture” of a black-stockinged blonde hottie straddling a race car?…..that’s why I clicked….but instead, I was tricked…..

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