Articles / MotoGP

If MotoGP teams were 90s bands

MotoGP teams are a unit in the same way F1 teams are – technically a unit but they play to different tunes. Taking that quite literally, I started thinking what would these kids do to make the most of their teenage years in an alternate bike-less world. Ok, I know they’re not all teenagers but they sure look like it.

Either way, some were skipping school in the 90s while some were just being born, but they all must have caught at least a little of that pop frenzy that got all of us. Personally, I was a Backstreet Boys’ gal, but most other bands didn’t quite make it to this part of the continent in the first place.

Back to the point, here’s where I imagine a few of the MotoGP pairings if they had met someplace else than a racetrack (and if the 2000s had been kinder to pop bands).

Backstreet Ducati

Quite popular on their home turf but their latest attempt at reinventing themselves didn’t quite get the results they expected. The new band member needs some time to get used to the new requirements but they make a feisty duo. And I do wish him a speedy recovery after suffering the equivalent of an unsuccessful crowd surfing attempt.

Backstreet boys

Andrea Dovizioso – Theme tune: The One (or what I’m assuming he was thinking on the podium the other day)

“I’ll be the one Who will make all your sorrows undone

I’ll be the light When you feel like there’s no track to run

I’ll be the one To hold you and make sure that you’ll be alright

‘Cause my tyres ain’t gone And I want to take you from darkness to light”

Cal Crutchlow – Theme tune: Quit Playing Games With My Heart (what I assume he must be singing to his bike before every race)

“Quit playin’ games with my heart

Before you tear my tyres apart

I should’ve known from the start

You know you’ve gotta’ stop

Before tearin’ my title chances apart” 

NGM Boyzone Racing

The most boy-ish of the boy bands for the most determinedly testosterone-fuelled team. On one side there’s the down-to-earth manly tornado and on the other the sort of guy who looks like he says ‘bro’ a lot. Genuinely lovable guys even if this particular match won’t last more than a season.

boyzone

Colin Edwards – Theme Tune: “Back Again… No Matter What” Tour (yes, it’s not quite a song, but his career deserves a proper goodbye tour, like this season is shaping up to be)

Aleix Espargaro – Theme Tune: “Baby Can I Hold You/Shooting Star” (cause he’s a star we’re still waiting for to… umm, shoot? Not to mention that pretty much the whole of the female audience would love to hold him)

Monster Yamaha „Blue” 3

The 90s seemed like a stretch considering that the added age of their line-up is smaller than the number of wrinkles on my forehead, so I had to find a team that was at least founded after they were born. Enter Blue – a case of ‘could have been so much more’. Let’s hope these kids don’t go their way, from meteoric success to bad Eurovision entries.

blue

Bradley Smith – Theme tune:”Too Close” (too close to a podium, too close to his teammate, but never quite close enough)

“Baby when we’re riding

I get so excited

Ooh, how I like it

I try but I can’t fight them”

Pol Espargaro – Theme Tune: “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours” (Probably what his first words at his new job were, after signing his name on the Moto2 trophy)*

* I would have added a sample of the song but it’s so poorly written it’s hard to get anything out of it.

Yamaha Kids On The Block

Considering their combined ages and accomplishments in the game, the “New kids on the block” sounds a bit unsuitable, but if you take a look of their success, dominating the late 80s then making a comeback a few years later (ok, a decade), you start to notice a pattern. Going through Valentino’s own resurgence, Yamaha’s domination has taken a hit in recent year(s). Let’s see if they can make a better fightback than the band.

new-kids-on-the-block-hangin-tough-cbs

Valentino Rossi – Theme Album: “Hangin’ Tough” (I’m giving him an entire album cause his career can’t be resumed in a 3-min song; and there isn’t a better title out there after his Qatar performance)

Jorge Lorenzo – Theme tune: “Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind This Time)” *Jorge singing to his motorized Yamaha girl*

“Girl, can we talk for a second?

I know it’s been a long time

Since someone blew your mind, like I did

But there’ll be other times

For me and you”

GO&FUN Westlife Gresini

One of the most recent boybands; we keep hearing about them but they haven’t quite managed to surpass the big boys of their time. Fancy clothes, deep long stares and a generous female fanbase; luckily for Alvaro and Scott, they don’t do quite as much synchronized dancing on track.

Westlife

Alvaro Bautista – Theme tune: “When You’re Looking Like That” (because, well, “He’s a 5 foot 10 in racesuit and bambi eyes”)

Scott Redding – Theme tune: “What About Now”

What about now? What about today?

What if our championship never went away?”

Honda `N Sync Team

Despite having barely a year-long collaboration, they’re arguably the most famous, and successful boyband of the time. Even more so this year, where their performance is better than any perfectly orchestrated playback. And considering the two protagonists’ most recent promotional work, they could step in Justin Timberlake’s shoes and start an acting career.

nsync

Dani Pedrosa – Theme tune: “Tearin Up My Heart” (among potential causes: lost championships, all those inches less than his peers but mainly seeing his teammate’s rear wheel so often)

Marc Marquez – Theme tune: “It’s Gonna Be Me” (what else but a No. 1 single for a bunch of weeks?)

 —

Bonus tracks:

Jonas VDS Racing Team

jonas2

Estrella Galicia 0,0 Direction

One-Direction-Up-All-Night-Asian-Edition-2012

I hope you enjoyed my “best of MotoGP” album, even if I don’t think it’s my best work to date – it’s strangely difficult to find suitable photos of these guys. Either way, they’re all on the line up for Argentina, so sit back and enjoy the show!

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