Articles / Snooker

If snooker was invented in China…

Well, nobody would really watch or play, cause when was the last time you heard someone say “It must be good, it’s made in China”? It might have still been awesome but the players we know and love might have grown up into average members of the community with regular jobs, before they could even hear about it.

I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover (or face in this case) but that’s exactly what I’m doing here. Taking a quick glance at some of best snooker players, present and past, this is where I would see them work. I had so many fun ideas for Dominic that I ended up not doing a collage for him; he already does too many things. As for the rest, here are some job suggestions to consider before the inevitable retirement. So, in alphabetical order, like at the school they would’ve been forced to love, here we go:

Mark Masterchef Allen

Let’s start with a young Masterchef Junior runner up, expressing his opinion on Chef Barry’s experimental dish. Small and opinionated, he’s the perfect contestant; no idea if he can cook though.


Biology Bingham

He’s got the face of a kind elementary school teacher, although geography might be more to his liking – at least we can say for sure he knows where Australia is.

Valtteri White

I remember someone mentioning it on Twitter, that our young mister White is a bit of a lookalike for the equally young Valtteri Bottas (if you’re unfamiliar with the name there’s always Google). I doubt he’d be as good a driver but if Williams ever need a stunt double, he’s the man.


Dr. Carter

He’s got the face and attitude of a kind dentist who doesn’t scare kids. This photo is not the best example though, he looks a tad like a grown-up Chucky 🙂


Davis & Gabbana

Meet Steve, our fashion designer specialized in V-neck sweaters, here presenting the outfit for the next edition of the Shootout. How can that not get women into snooker? Page 3 girls are women too.


Dark Sparrow

A pleasant guy that looks downright scary in the wrong light – and table lightning is almost always wrong. Just like our favourite pirate!


Ding Marceau

Maybe I need to explain this one a little more: Marcel Marceau. But I won’t, so Google it. Ding might be a bit too inexpressive to be a good mime but I’ve heard him speak so rarely that I’m beginning to think he’s actually practicing for it.


Ken the Cat Whisperer

So calm and collected, with a little glimmer in his eye, a bit like those crazy cat ladies. There’s a dog whisperer, a horse whisperer, even a ghost whisperer, why not have a cat whisperer? He would need to change those sweaters for something a bit more cat hair friendly.


Graeme Warden Dott

A serious Graeme is a scary Graeme, so what better that a prison guard? Strict, demanding and doesn’t smile much – which are all good qualities in a movie warden, you don’t want to give those people too much hope for spectacular escapes.


Peter Elderberry

From bananas to vanilla shakes it’s just one step and with his promotional skills he would’ve made an ideal Herbalife representative. The one you can’t say no to so you end up with an expensive supply of formula that you subsequently realize you hate the taste of.


Gok Fu

Besides any facial traits, he has that frozen expression that Karl Lagerfeld & Co consider the sign of a high-end designer. And I do like his dress sense: no nonsense spiked or metallic shoes at least.


Hawkins Pub

He just looks like a proud pub owner who works long nights so he started losing his hair, but still aces local pub competitions.


Walter Hendry

Hendry would fit in nicely in that new Jaguar commercial where they ask why Brits always play villains. He could’ve been cast as a Scottish Walter White.


John Condominium Higgins

Out of all players, he’s got the face for a potential appointment as vice-president of the landlord committee, or whatever those guys who collect money for repainting the stairwell are called.


Michael “Cicero” Holt

Mainly due to him mastering the art of retweeting motivational fitness quotes. Tall and suited up, he’s make a great motivational speaker.


Jack Joker

I don’t know if he knows any jokes or if he’s any good at telling them but he’s young and smiles a lot so there’s half of his audience taken care of.


Officer Maguire

A job that assures him to be on fire – as in hot on the tail of speeding drivers. With that frequently unhappy face and demeanour, a job in the police force would be assured.


Shaun Poirot

Here we have our favourite detective, cast as the lead in ‘The Mystery of the Blue Bow Tie’. Whether a true gentleman of the times or an actor wannabe, you have to say the style suits him quite well.


Ronnie Roulette

Not to say that Ronnie showing up used to be a bit of a gamble, but I do see him as the type who would enjoy the entertaining and often ridiculous challenge faced by gameshow contestants.


Pork chop Perry

This is purely because all the butchers I know suffer from premature baldness. And are also surprisingly nice.


Robbo Lothbrok

The blonde hair with freakishly transparent eyebrows looks very Nordic so he’d fit in just right with the Vikings. If this snooker thing doesn’t play out, I’m hearing they’re still auditioning 🙂


S-Factor Selby

My favourite underdog does have a few musical connections so he’s got potential in the industry. Although with his chilled-out charm, he’d be more of a Louis Walsh than a Simon Cowell.


Swag Car Wash

What do you do when you can’t afford a Ferrari? Go someplace where you can at least touch one. And since dealerships require qualifications that his age can’t provide, an Essex car wash seems like the solution.


Richard Walden – Attorney at Law

He’s handsome, serious and clean-cut as to impress any female judges. That works in the movies so he should be alright with my hypothetical job.


Williams Ink Ltd.

This one is probably the most predictable. Take the bow tie off and the face recommends him as a funny yet sadistic tattoo artist. If only he could grow his hair out to complete my stereotypical picture!


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