Articles / Cycling / Formula 1 / MotoGP / Snooker

Modern Sport According to the FIA Manual of Motorized Boob Jobs

The FIA seem to be under the impression that anything can be fixed with a bit of plastic (or titanium these days). Just like F1’s most enhanced Monaco spectators, attached to significant doses of silicone, Todt & Co keep performing plastic surgery on the limb that doesn’t really need it. As a 24-year old woman who can’t really afford tickets to most of their races, I might not be the target audience they aim to please but I refuse to believe that wealthy silver-haired petrolheads like to be treated like puerile toddlers at a magic show. Whether the rabbit comes out of the hat with fireworks and sound effects or just hops out like it should, we all know the trick and it’s not fooling anyone. In light of these recent developments regarding the F1 regulations for 2015, I had to stop and think what exactly was the problem they were trying to fix in the first place? Power Unit parts keep breaking down? Make them use even fewer! Smaller teams can’t keep up? Give them less wind tunnel time! DRS overtakes are not spectacular enough? Make some sparks! I see they went for the kindergartner approach: if you throw glitter, it will shine. Plenty have complained already, with little to no effect, so I’ll just let it rest for now and think how the FIA could improve on some other sports if they would be allowed to get their hands on the rulebook. If I don’t get hired by the World Motor Sport Council after this, if means I’m not thinking big enough! (PS: please excuse the Sunday evening photoshop – Bacardi and brush strokes don’t mix!)

Amendments to the 2015 FIM Grand Prix motorcycling racing regulations:

  • To reduce the number of first corner incidents and give more overtake opportunities, the riders will leave the grid at 3 second intervals, starting with the last placed.
  • The kerbs around the circuit will be replaced with spike strips to stop bikes from exceeding track limits.

moto gp kerbs

  • Elbow and kneepads will be made out of titanium, to create sparks that indicate the direction of motion.
  • Any rider with more than three colours on their bike will be given a three-place grid penalty for confusing the public.

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  • Any helmet or leathers colour scheme change will be announced at least three weeks prior to the event on Twitter, Facebook and another social media channel of their choice, in addition to a formal letter addressed to Jean Todt’s personal stylist. Any infringement will be punished with a see-through race suit to be worn for the upcoming event.
  • Umbrella girls will be replaced by an engineer, as to reduce the number of people around the bike at any given time. Umbrella girls can be used as security guards instead, to help bring more people through the gates.

3 final

Amendments to the 2015UCI World Cycling Tour:

  • Teams will be placed under parc ferme rules from 10pm to 6am, with a mandatory 8 hours of sleep regulated through an overnight power cut.
  • Skinsuits will be inspected before the event and if deemed inappropriate for family viewing, the team will complete the time trial in a standard Alpinestars fireproof race suit.

4final

  • Sticky bottle situations will be prevented by installing Gatorade showers at every 10 kilometers.
  • Helmets from the Spring/Summer 2015 Mario Bros. collection will only be allowed if they come with turtle-proof weaponry as standard equipment.

5 final

  • Attacks on mountain stages will take place through a Twitter vote. The cyclist with the most retweets will be allowed to attack in a designated space.
  • The Tour de France will take place in Dubai every two years, to create a truly global sport.

6 final

Amendments to the 2015 ATP World Tour:

  • Players who enter Grand Slam competitions will need to attach a bank statement to their entry form, unless they are backed by an approved sponsor.
  • In the situation of a break point, the tennis ball will be replaced by a miniature disco ball that is easier to see from the back of the stands.

7 final

  • Tie-break situations will be disputed with ping pong paddles to highlight the players’ skill.
  • A minimum and maximum weight limit will be introduced to equalize the playing field. Props like full body morphsuits will be allowed as compensation.

8 final

  • Players will not be allowed to touch their ears more than 2 times/set, to prevent stalling on the grid… I mean court.
  • In the event of a ball leaving the play surface, a safety drone will be deployed until the offending object is recovered.

Amendments to the 2015 FIS Alpine Skiing & Ski Jumping Season:

  • Downhill skiers will be equipped with DRS flaps above their elbows, to help with aerodynamics in a section of their choice.
  • Helmets will be fitted with rearview mirrors as to increase the safety and visibility of the skier.

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  • To assure the future of the sport, every entrant to a FIS competition will need to bring a child under 10 years of age with parents’ agreement, doctor’s note and a completed entry form to a local ski club.
  • A special heated WAG box will be created so that wives and girlfriends can wear something fetching during competitions and cameramen can spot them easily.
  • In addition to the ski jumping summer grand prix taking place on grass turf, a special clay event will be added to the calendar, to create equal conditions for all sports.
  • A new event will be added to the program, where jumpers will have to hold two trays full of champagne glasses while jumping. Besides improving the show, it will also train them for an inevitable future career change.

10 final

Amendments to the 2015 World Snooker Tour:

  • Snooker players will be equipped with transponders, to track the speed of movement towards the bathroom. In the event that the recorded time falls below the average interval break, they will have their bathroom privileges revoked for the next event and have an artificial plant pot placed in their dressing room instead.
  • To promote technical innovation and keep up with the eco movement, snooker cues will be powered by an electric motor attached to a micro-propeller.
  • Snookers will be forbidden in the first three frames of a match and they will only be allowed if you are within one frame distance from your rival.
  • The new dress code will replace non-aerodynamic bow ties and vests with fluorescent full-body leotards that help with flexibility and visibility.

11 final

  • During award ceremonies, the winner’s national flag will be projected onto the snooker table, next to the flag of his main sponsor.
  • The calendar will include a new event starting on the 18th of May, called the WCC – World Chinese Championship, with a double amount of points than the regular WSC, because…why not?

So, mister Todt, do I get the job?

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